my mother

♥  march 11 . 2019  ♥

my mother
gave birth to me
when she turned 17
just 3 days earlier
on March 24th

she was a child
she was hurt
i didn’t
i took her

took her life

yeah she
when she grew
not wiser

she was

told us



and i love her

little little toddler

♥  august 29 . 2018 : little little toddler  ♥

I am crying while telling my inner child that it’s okay, that she wasn’t rude. And she knows she wasn’t rude and now she understands why this toddler song made her sooo mad and sooo sad 🙁

She is bout 3-4 years of age, playing in the small garden of her grandparents. And they sing this toddler song and she gets so angry and then so sad and the little girl yells: no! no, I don’t tremble on the flowers, I don’t do that! And this song was sung for years and every time she got upset and she didn’t understand why these grown-ups could say these terrible things about her.

Well, here it is 🙂

klein klein kleutertje
wat doe je in mijn hof
je plukt er alle bloempjes af
je maakt het veel te grof

o mijn lieve mamaatje
zeg het niet tegen papaatje
ik zal zoet naar school toe gaan
en de bloemetjes laten staan

little little toddler
what are you doing in my yard
you are picking all my flowers
and make it quite a mess

o my dear mummy
please don’t tell daddy
i will go to school now
and leave the little flowers


soul retrieval with Kat

♥  august 20 . 2018 : total time 1h45m  ♥

This was a session i had with Kat (Katherine Martin Youngren). She is a gifted and loving person and she is great in retrieving soul fragments and a perfect guide for exploring past lives  ♥️ I did leave some parts out, not much but things i gotta explore a bit more. The setting : i am at home on my bed in Europe, Kat is at her home in America. We talk through messenger.

First she clears me / my chakra’s. Nothing really disturbing with my chakra’s, im quite clean, i ask Kat bout my solar plexus, nah, nothing to worry about. But, she says: this morning when i woke i had an ache in my stomach, maybe already connecting to your energy.

Then she clears my house. She is happily surprised, my house welcomes her, is friendly to her! That’s so nice! She tells me till now she never experienced this, being welcomed by a house so friendly. I feel so much gratitude and joy when she tells me and i tell her bout my contact with house, the walls, the floor, atoms. Later this evening i thank house for being so nice to Kat. House smiles 🏡

Paris : the killing

We won’t go through the lives i already know but see where we go. I tell her bout the killing (of my twin), i think it was Paris late 18th century, here’s the link >>  and when i am done she asks if i know who was the woman i killed. No i don’t so we gonna find out. We ask spirit to show me, and this is weird, i get an image of his mother (my twin’s). Kat then asks me to explore a life with this woman we call for now his mother. So i ask spirit to show me.

Stabbed in the back : the dark room

I am inside and it’s very dark, Kat asks me if i can find the light switch, lol, i cant see a f*ck. I take a few careful steps with my hands outstretched till i feel a wall, it’s rocky like some kind of cave or cellar. Am i locked in here? i ask myself. Slowly my eyes adjust and about 10 feet in front of me there’s the outline of a door, at the other side of the door is light and it’s shining through.

Kat asks if i am alone in the room. Well, i can’t see or hear anyone so i guess I am. But nope, i feel a presence. Now fear hits and i am shaking. And i feel someone behind me and it freaks me out, it is danger. I sense a woman in black clothes, an older woman, smaller than me and she is very hurt and angry. I know what is going to happen and Kat feels it too, i hear her moaning, like me. And there it is, the knife in the back. Suddenly the woman takes two steps and stabs me in my lower back, a few times. There is so much hate and pain. I fade away and die here.

Why did she kill you, Kat asks. I am sobbing a bit and feel the impact of what we did, of what happened. I took something of this woman, a man, her husband. By now, i almost forgot that this woman is his mother, this is where we started lol. And i am sorry i took her husband.

Kat asks me if this life was before or after the Paris-life. Mmmm, i don’t get the answer at once, i go to the killer (me) in Paris and feel his inner life, was he aware? Yes, hidden deep inside there is an unconscious knowing of this life. Okay. So it was before the Paris-life. That makes sense, Kat says.

Ana : the sun 🌞

Okay, we explore another life with this woman and at this point i decide to call her Ana.
I am outside, it’s a bright, sunny day. Green meadows, blue sky, flowers. Where is Ana, Kat asks me. Lol, i feel she is up there. But what is up there? Now i get the picture of the Fool card of the Tarot with a bright sun in the right corner and the sun smiles at me. Nah nah, the sun? Ana? A spirit? I am puzzled. Weird stuff this retrieving pieces 🙂
Okay, so Ana is the sun or maybe a spirit, she was very friendly in this life. Was she a guide maybe, Kat asks. Yeah, definitely feels so. I know her very well and she knows me.

A war : the plane ✈️

Kat asks me to go to a life with Ana and X (my twin, well okay, my supposed twin).
I am sitting in a chair, with some helmet on my head, i am sitting alone on the most right chair of a row of several chairs. And there are more rows before me, ah, it is a plane! We are waiting for take off. Ana is in some sort of pantry, she is dressed in white, some nurse’s outfit it seems. X is in combat outfit, just like me, somewhere in the ship. (plane / ship?). What is our connection? Ana and X are just acquaintances, Ana and me are kinda friends, i tell her much bout me and i like her, X and me are good friends, we know each other a lifetime, boy next door, is what i get. Nothing romantic. In this life i died when an explosion destroyed our house. I died in an instant, i have no memory of the dying. It was some war and we were in duty, all 3 of us. We also lived next door i think. Me with Ana? X next door. I could see a part of a street with a few houses. Time is hard to tell. Early 20th century?

A girl and boy on the run : the tube 👫

A life with me and X. It is dark and i am kinda moving forward, I can’t see where i am, there is a faint green light in the distance. X is behind me and is also moving. Ah, we are in some kind of tube, we are able to stand in the tube so it is quite big. And we are walking in this long, long tube, towards the green light.

Why are we here? Are we escaping something? Sure feels that way. I try to hear noises to locate ourselves and maybe others. Ah, we have escaped! From that big, dark house that we don’t like. I am about 12-14 years old and X is bout 5-6 years old. I have initiated our escape and X relies on me, we have to get out of here. Those people are awful! We both are very well dressed, i wear some kind of cloak, brown with a darker thread in it and my brown, curly hair is tied in a pony tail. X wears a black suit with a white tie and a white shirt, so tres chique for the little boy. We come from this really wealthy family (as orphans or something …?) but they are all liars and bad people.

We are at the end of the tube and there is a policeman with this light, he looks nice. I look hopefully to this man and he smiles … and he takes us right back to the house. X and me are being taken apart (X in the basement?). And then i got these punches in my stomach! Again and again and again till i lose consciousness and eventually i die. There is a big, bright light when i die and i feel so happy, i know i will be okay now. X will be okay now, i feel this the moment i die, we will be taken care off. The man who killed me was some farmhand. A brutal, ignorant man who likes to punch 12 year olds to death. X died soon after me, he killed himself, he jumped into a well or something, out of something .. It seems England to me, very English. There were horses and carriages, maybe early 19th century?

The Fall : the pyramid 🚀

At this point Kat asks if it is okay if we look into a life she and i had together. I am already dizzy of all these lives and connections lol, yep sure. I am standing in the middle of a pyramid shaped building. And it is so hard to focus, i can hardly hear Kat talk. I shake and spin coz of the energies in this building … wow! They go through me like mmm like energy snakes. Hard to describe and the whole pyramid is filled with it! Completely filled with some kind of energy strings that move likes snakes.

The corners of this building are rounded, not sharp and the top of the pyramid is also rounded. It is more like the top of a rocket. Are there more people with you, Kat asks. Ah yes, right in front of me, standing in a corner is Kat, she is my friend. Now i am looking left, there is this young man in a grey, striped suit, dark hair and he smiles, he is perfectly dressed. On the right of me, also in a corner stands an angel, white and bright, smiling yes. We are all smiling now coz something big is going to happen, i am going to fall or jump. I now realize i’m standing in the middle on a square spot and that spot is going to open and i am going to fall! It is my time. We say goodbye and i go! But first i pay Alcyone a visit, can’t leave without saying goodbye to my old friend :-). Am i going to Lemuria? The first time Gaia? This must be a long long time ago … in the future.

The twin sisters : the pond 💧

Another life with Kat. I haven’t even asked spirit to show me .. and Kat is already moaning, she is in pain! And my body feels so weird! It feels like something wants to get out and Kat is kinda crying: are you pregnant with me? she asks me. I don’t know, i wanna get out of this body! I feel like my skin is getting teared off my body. What the hell is happening? Are we .. are we siamese twins? i ask Kat. Feels like we are very very close and we can’t separate.

Kat moans, feels a cut around her waist and a cut in her left arm. I can’t place it.

Who are we, what are we? We are two blond girls, bout 4 years of age, cute twin girls. We stand at the edge of a pond, there is green grass and flowers, and i feel me standing in the water now. Ouch! You punched me on my nose! i yell to Kat. Lol, that was a surprise, really didn’t see that coming, i can feel the punch on my nose as i sit here on my bed! And i push her, a push in her belly. And she stumbles and falls into the water and … here i feel we are drowning, green, blurry water. While this was happening i had a lot of throat clearing.. asking myself why… but yes, we were drowning.

(I think we were twins and it was very crowded in our mother’s belly and we wanted to get out. Another thing: did the mother get a cesarean section? Could explain the cut Kat felt).

A frustrated drunk : the saloon 

Kat asks if there is something i want to clear, the root of something. I mention addictions. Okay. Ask spirit to show you the root of addiction (what is the vow connected).

I am outside, its drizzling and its grey and dreary, a muddy soil. I have a bottle in my left hand and with my right hand i hold on to the wooden pillar of the porch, so i wont fall. I can hardly walk. I just left the bar, more like a saloon, all wooden and the ladies .. well you know 🙂 I bought them booze and they were nice to me. But they wont get me no i will never believe a woman again! they are all evil and all liars and i feel really drunk lol and i have to concentrate to talk with Kat, weird. I feel alone and rejected and they are all the same and i wont marry and i am my own boss! Okay, Kat and me are both a bit puzzled bout this life, it doesn’t really explain something about addictions. Maybe i find out later. 🤔

So far  😯

do you believe in unicorns ?

♥  january 28 . 2018 : matters of the heart  ♥

❤️ am i . was i . heartbroken ? guess so

# they tell me : remember . it is all illusion #

“Do you believe in unicorns?”, she asks the little girl. “Yes i did! Of course i did! But then the world showed its ugly face, people just didn’t care bout unicorns. I told them! They wouldn’t listen.

# and they tell me : remember . it is all illusion #

Now she cries, this little, fragile child, showing me her tears, her pain, this f*cking freaking hard harsh world. How could she cope? How could she? Yes! Show me! How can i?! Yes, heart broken. Can you survive a broken heart?

# they say : it is all illusion . you know who you are #

“Ah, you are here,” i tell HS and give him a smile 🙂 Yeah, thought so, you are back”. “Nope,” my higher selfs replies: “YOU are back”, and he smiles. Of course , in the end, i may be stubborn lol, but then you havent met my HS!! Yes yes HS who broke my heart? Former lovers? Parents? Gaias suffering? YOU name it okay?!  I accept it 🙂 with love 🌸😎 You know, my HS is ALWAYS right! I have to admit 🙂 “Who broke your heart?” he asks. And in some weird way, i have to be honest with him lol. Not Who… but What .. if some one broke my heart, it would be me, lol of course!

@ stationary
come on love, draw your swords, shoot me to the ground 🙂
diversions diversions .. WHO WHO WHO WHO
F*<k Y¥o
Don’t u dare 2 G0!
anyway, the Unicorns are back 😎
to be continued 🙂

Love ❤️🌷❤️

a convo with pain

♥  january 3 . 2018  ♥ 

finally i sit with Pain . connecting with it . getting to know it  😩
and i sit with it . and we are silent  🐞  we just sit and be
respecting each other . sometimes looking sideways
finding each others eyes

“Yes”, it says: “i am pain and i suffer, i bring suffering and
you were afraid of me, you rejected me and
i hid in the darkest corners of your being
peeking through the cracks of your perceptions
watching you, watching me.”

“Now i sit with you”, i reply: “i am tired
tired of fighting, tired of fighting you, fighting me
tired of rejecting you, rejecting me
tired of being afraid of you, afraid of me.”

and we smile to each other, we have grown, we are wiser and kinder  💖

* Thank you for being here with me, for respecting me, having compassion with me. Thank you for sitting here with me, in silence. Winter storms outside us, inside us. *

With love 🌹

poor abandoned me

♥  october 24 . 2017 : resurrection of a light carrier ♥

I just started meditation and my heart begins to ache, sharp pins. Where is this hurt? I start to cry and i sense: “What do you lack?” Huh, what? “Acceptance? Money? Love? A loving mother?” I think of my childhood. Lol, still cleaning up old crap 😥

And now light shows, i lack light! And i feel angry, they took my light! “Who took your light?” the presence asks. Mmmm, i did, i have to admit. “Why did you do that?” I was not worthy of it, not worthy to carry it with dignity and courage. 🔙

I shut my own light off because no-one saw it, no-one wanted it and i felt rejected. And i failed to spread the light of Creation so i was unworthy of carrying it. My connection with Source was gone, no one to share my light with, i was alone, yes yes abandoned, poor me. Soul comes in now, gently, and i invite her in. “All your lack is lack of light, nothing else”, and she smiles. ☯️

The Pleiadians step in (the healing pyramid of light), a small group. And He is there, the first time i see Him as a Pleiadian 🙂 Yes of course! Before Lemuria we had lives! Together, He comforts me, gives me trust, and we melt in some way for a short time.

Then my soul shows me: in Zero Point there is no time and as you know, only the NOW exists. All your so called lives are now. The more you reach ZP the more you will experience all your lives becoming one. And the ability to influence all.

At this point the meditation (voice) takes over again and im drifting away in an orange, golden orb. The sun just broke through the clouds and shines through my closed eyes. After the meditation Higher Self tells me: “Take your time, don’t be so hard on yourself, okay?” 🙄

And yes, my big yearning becomes sooo clear to me: i want the only person that i can really, truly share my light with,  the one that resonates at the exact same frequency.
with love, may the Light be with you

I had a link to the vid on youtube but the vid is gone. It was one of my favs …


the last pain

♥  september 18 . 2017 : the last frontier  ♥

* i am angry and i am tired – in Hermit mode *

“Alcy (i call him Alcy since he is no longer my master but an equal presence, and f*ck, he is jumping in and out of my belly so may i!) “Do i get IT all now?” i ask Alcyone, the Great Central Sun.

There is so much knowledge inside me, sometimes it’s almost too much. Joy deepens, pain deepens, and i know the hardest is yet to come. This connecting with ALL there is, with ALL of Gaia but also with my past (and yes I realize there is NO TIME, it is all happening now sigh).

“So Alcy, do i GET IT ALL now?.” 🤔

“Yes, prepare for The Last Frontier, The Last Pain there is”, Alcyone tells me. And he explains: “You are breaking down your walls, you want to be the authentic you, you wanna pull off your masks, you have to! And I am here for you. You are living your last life on Gaia, saying goodbye to Gaia gives you a lot of pain. And Gaia gives you all you need to know and all you want to feel and to experience.”

Yes, Gaia’s uploads into my body won’t stop, they increase and i am glad most of the information is subconscious to me, it will reveal itself when it’s time. This is the last connection, the empath’s nightmare lol. Feeling all of her/these energies, feeling a planet. And i am scared to death! The Last Frontier, The Last Pain, a genuine and loving connection 🙂

Lol, Higher Self is telling me to hurry up finishing my room so ‘we’ can move forward (i’m still busy in my new house). And i know i am procrastinating coz of fear, by the way HS.. ‘we?’ Am ‘I’ nowadays ‘we’? Yes, i am angry! Angry with HS, with the Universe, coz they tell me nothing at the moment. They ‘direct’ me, give me information but no solutions or clues. And i feel blank inside.

Why is my house a friendly old man with gray hair and a gray beard who sits beside me and smiles while i am crying and why is Bert walking across my kitchen in this suit he wears on that pic from ages ago? Ughh, Bert is the guy i thought was my father till my mother told me he wasn’t 🙁 Is he dead? Is this why he is showing up now? Does he have a message?

And these waves, uploads from Gaia? Why? What are they? They drive me crazy! And they increase, bout every 3-4 minutes they come into my legs, up in my body and i shake. Kundalini? HS won’t answer, the Universe won’t answer, Gaia won’t answer, Alcyone won’t answer and my house doesn’t answer, i am blank. 😳

Wait wait wait. And i feel old and i am sooo tired! I am here, recollecting.

Meditation : The little pink girl is in the temple of Telos, in Inner Earth. She has just entered, angels at her side, taking her hands. She walks, in awe and feeling so tiny between the two angels, to the middle of the temple and she asks: “Can i really open my heart now?”. The angels answer in silence yes you can.

“But it hurts, the world comes in and i have to protect myself and i DON’T WANNA protect myself any longer! I am so done with these walls around me!”

Brave little girl, i love you  ♥️

shiver & shake

♥  august 15 . 2017  : and free yourself  ♥


I sit in my garden and my dog is chasing a cat. I smile but then i feel sad, soon i relocate and i have to leave him. I feel a shiver and my body shakes. Lol, this has become so familiar to me, this shaking. Now i look to my dog through Her eyes, Lyra’s eyes, i smile and my heart smiles and i say “thank you”. 🐩

* SHE feels ONE with ALL. She knows that time is an illusion and that sadness is a state of mind. And She lives from Her heart. She looks at her dog and feels only love, She knows this will always exists, nothing is lost, all is here, NOW. And She has the wisdom of the stars and the blessing of the Universe. She is whole, She is Creation * 🌀

“Who are you thanking Lyra”, i sense. Weird, i can’t tell if it is Higher Self or Alcyone. “Well, lol, i thank Me actually. For allowing myself to be here, in this place, at this time and to feel and experience this fully!”

I am at peace
Lyra  ♥️

the Hermit

♥  august 2 . 2017 : a friendly raindrop  ♥

I am rediscovering the Tarot, now in an intuitive way. Years ago i studied the cards, using books to understand the messages. Now messages flow more. So, since we are so busy clearing old crap and with these strong energies around, i started with spreads on pics. And while being bombarded with waves, hidden knowledge came to the surface. 🔒

The spread: 4 pics, 4 different ages. The one with the biggest impact was the youngest me, it seems she is/was the wisest. Being born under the sign of Aries, with the number 9 the Hermit, she was born with Empress capabilities. The very moment i draw the Hermit, i burst out in tears. I draw my ‘own’ card, the card i feel so familiar with, and in a split second i know: you knew, i tell the girl in the pic, you knew it all.

♥️ little one ♥️ i know what my life is going to be, i know i will meet Him in this lifetime, i know what i came here for. Im standing outside, it drizzles. A raindrop comes along. I see it and IT SEES ME. It smiles at me. I cry and thank the drop, for seeing me. It thanks me for seeing IT. And the waves keep pouring in. 🌀

“Did you doubted she knew?,” Higher Self asks, while i close the curtains (f*ck, this late already, i gotta sleep!). “Well HS, i didn’t really know but i was wondering for some time now what she wanted to tell me.”
“Well, yes she knew all: who she was, why she came, that He would come. Coz they made this arrangement, long long time ago, when Lemuria fell. The both of them. To be there/here, the time was right. The time is NOW.”
“Thanks HS, but i really gotta sleep now. Goodnight.” ♥️

And goodnight little powerful one, im proud of you. 😊

there is a stillness inside me

♥  2017-7-7 : the creator in the eye of the storm  ♥

I sit on my terrace in my lovely garden and i look at my wonderful dog named Bliksem, something like Lightning in English. He gives me so much joy. And i am saying goodbye. 😔

I read bout the July waves and yes, i do feel it is gonna be a hell of a ride, fasten seat-belts! There is no point of return, no u-turn in sight. Yes, we have free will of course .. lol .. did you believe that?! We always do what we are supposed to do.

July storms are ferocious, a wild wind pounds on my door. Dark shadows lurking in the corners of my room, the darkest caves of my mind and my emotions illuminated. Yet, i feel sooo quiet, sooo centered, sooo creative, so NOW!

* there is a stillness inside me
i am the creator in the eye of the storm *

I sit in the middle of my granny’s kitchen, 5 years of age, playing with the buttons she keeps in an old biscuit drum, all kinds of buttons in ONE drum! So, i sort them out. From little to big, from light to dark, 2 holes, 4 holes, wood, plastic, metal,  you name it. In the middle of the kitchen floor while granny is trying to prepare a stew. 🍯

And she smiles her all compassing smile and i smile. How i love my granny! She knows who i am and she lets me be who i am. And i can sit here for hours with the buttons and HER who is with me always. 💋

Yes, I AM The Eye Of The Storm. All around me is crumbling, falling apart, whirling and swirling. ME, in the middle, in the void, a creator. How do i want my world to be? What do i build with all these fragments? WHAT DO I REALLY WANT? And i build, from little to big, from dark to light, from separation to wholeness, you name it. 🌎

Yes, there is a place inside me, my silent dominion, my eye of the storm.

can i have my wings back Raphael?

♥  july 6 . 2017  ♥

From when i was a little child (i could babble ‘dada’ and ‘mama’ yes!) my mother explained to me: “You were born for a dime and you will never be a quarter”. So you can imagine what she told me when i revealed to her, at the age of 9, my Big Dream for the future. Being a cave researcher. ❌

And i feel her thinking, ‘dream dream child, life sucks, we never get anywhere, we never did. Just work our asses off, eat meatloaf with potatoes, maybe beef on Sundays, and we die at the age of 65 just when we retire’. 😩

Yeah, i am a dime, i know mom. And i bow my head and i take off my little snow white softly pink glowing wings, which no one can see, can you believe that! And i put them in my black box. The box vanishes … up … to Raphael. He gives me a loving smile and says: “i will take care of your wings little pink one, let me know when you are ready. Go play being a dime now but never forget, you are a bright shining DIAMOND”. 💎

Well,  recently i paid Raphael a visit 🙂

i am awful !

♥  july 2 . 2017 : what the f*ck is 5D ?  ♥

I am awful, i tell myself, while cleaning the house, where everything has its own place. I wipe some dust off a table. Yeah, really awful! I am such a perfectionist, so meticulous. Lol, You are here, smiling, only You know HOW meticulous I am. And i am happy and as you laugh about me, i laugh about me. 🙂

January 2017 : after 1,5 year of crying, confusion, pain, doubt, lol, dark night of the soul, welcome, i love you! I don’t know how i managed, but i did somehow. thank you Ariel, Ismael and Gaia/Izta. I was sooo tired of it all, i felt like shedding all the tears i had, purged all the pain i ever experienced. And i accepted. Just as it was, it is what it is. And i let Him free, let him BE.

And i discovered all these Facebook-rooms, read all these posts bout twin flames, bout ‘waves’ coming in, bout 5D (what the f*ck is 5D?), bout a ‘journey’ (journey, journey, what journey, ME?). Nowadays, lol, i can’t shake His higher self of my back! He is always here, smiling, loving my stupid habits, my addictions (which are his too by the way), my sexual fantasies (and we do share these too). 😮

And i think : was it only January? Really? How much did i flipped the circle? On which spiral am i now? Yep. DNOTS and 6 months of clarity, love, acceptance, letting go and finally knowing, feeling    I AM WHO I AM

Yo . Lyra . Johanna . Jo , Ans . Anna . transmuter of pain . starseed . Pleiadian . Lemurian healer . murderer . lover . Lyran . priestess of Alcyone . a child of God / Source / Eternity. Yes my love, we are ALL. And we go higher, another spiral, another battle, a ‘battle’ we already won.

Thank you all! Lightworkers, friends, companions on this journey, confused ones, karmic ones, source, inner child, TF’s, angels, guides, trees. Yes, and now i realize i am as crazy as you ‘guys’. ♥️

bleuberry juice

♥  june 30 . 2017  ♥

“Tell me, how did you manage,” i ask her as i visit her in her treehouse, between the strong roots of a magnificent, friendly tree. “I didn’t manage,” she says “and you know, stupid question! You were there, with me, hurt and confused. WE couldn’t manage remember” ❓

I am in meditation but i can’t focus and i drift away into a wood. I lose the way and am drawn to HER HOME, the sacred place of my inner child. I love this place, animals everywhere, a white owl checking out who is visiting. A giant spider with a face totally not aligned. A snow white magical unicorn she calls Nieve. 🍄

As i now sit at her table, drinking blueberry juice, a bit fermented of course 🙂 i ask her: “how did you manage the loss, the pain, falling apart again and again and again”. 🍷

“I felt stripped,” she tells me, “bare to the bone. Layer by layer getting peeled off of me. Peeled? Torn! Each loss, each pain, skin after skin, mask after mask, till nothing was left of me.
Just as you feel now.
But we are transmuters dear ME“. ⚛

“Thank you, yes! I mean, we did manage, didn’t we?”

abyss of frozen hope

♥  june 23 . 2017 : my last life  ♥

Do You remember? Standing at the Abyss of Frozen Hope? Me telling You this is my last life on earth.
I don’t know why i tell You or how i know, i just know.
We talk about afterlife and reincarnation and it hits me: This Is My Last Life On Earth!
And coz i can tell You all, well, almost all 😊 i tell You this the moment i feel it.

“Maybe you come back as a leader”, You say. And i think of world leaders, political leaders, religious leaders.
I don’t know what You think. “Nah”, i reply. 🤔

But yes lol, You were right! I have come back as a leader, in what seems to be a ‘next’ life
I didn’t really have to die in the PHYSICAL, not this time. I mean, i wasn’t buried or burned 🔥
But yeah, this is kinda dying I guess.

And i have come back as a leader, my own leader! Anyway, to start with 😜

the waiting room

♥  june 21 . 2017  ♥

I am lost, floating in an endless sea of possibilities  😵

“Do you see that blond girl, 14 years of age, on the schoolyard? Standing in the middle of that somewhat weird compiled group and looking alienated?”  👽

I see her and i remember her, the girl that feels hurt by harsh words and bullying. She friends the bullied kids, the outcasts and she gives them some ‘protection’. Coz, even though she is a shy, insecure girl and a bit of an outcast herself she is also a pretty girl and she attracts people easily. And she herself can’t figure it out, why are these kids attracted to her, what do they want from her ⁉️

“Yes i do dear Me, and this pretty girl asks herself: who am i, what am i doing here? Why do i wanna be friends with everyone and why am i a little weird? Why can’t i chose, cool or nerd? Rock or classic? Black or white? What do i want? I wanna fit in! … no no … i don’t wanna fit in! Shit! WHAT DO I FEEL? WHO AM I?” 🔛

“You always felt you were in between ‘camps’, and to BE SOMEONE you had to choose, but you couldn’t choose, so you felt NO-ONE. You attracted the nerds, the outcasts, the shy ones but also the cool ones, the never afraid ones. And they gathered around you and they gazed like sheep, maybe fall in love with you, but you don’t fall for sheep. And, f*ck, you can’t shake them off so you hurt them”  🙁

“Yes, little did i know, dear Me, i was a very confused connector. 😉

I am glad i know better now ☯️

can I have my wings

one day i’ll fly away

♥  june 14 . 2017  ♥

can someone tell me how to use these wings?  😳

Sometimes i feel my wings. To be honest, not the wings itself, but the 2 spots on my back where they are attached but i still can’t fly,  i think. 🦋

I am 6 years young, out on the schoolyard, kids playing. And some kids are picking on me.
I feel awful and i run away but they chase me. I run and run till, there is the brick wall, and i can’t run no longer. 🚷

So, very naturally, i spread my wings and flap them and just before hitting the wall i take off. Out of their grabbing hands! And i fly. Higher and higher, up to the roof of the school building.  Now im sitting on the rooftop, kids yelling down there, hah, they can’t get me here❗

To be honest, i didn’t have wings back then, still i managed to fly! Silly me, now i have wings, but haven’t figured out how to use them! ❓

This ‘flying to the rooftop of the school building’ thing, was actually a returning dream i had as a child.
I couldn’t really relate with kids of my age, in fact any kid of whatever age, lol.
They frightened me, so i had these dreams of them chasing me. Luckily i had my wings. 😁

one day i’ll fly away

silly woman

♥  june 2 . 2017 . 23:56 : are you male or female?  ♥

I walk in this beautiful monestary garden, it is summer, and i am enjoying the flowers.
I love the little ones most, the ones that struggle to survive amongst the bigger plants and trees.
And i feel drawn to a small group of little flowers under a tree. pastedGraphic.png

I ask them : hello there, can i ask you something? Oh, ok, they say.
Lol, it sounds a bit like they are annoyed.
I ask : are you male or female? I got a sense of not understanding, so i ask : are you a man or a woman? pastedGraphic_1.pngpastedGraphic_2.png

One replies : what is man, what is woman? We don’t know these words.
So, i try to explain to them, in a biological way, but i sense im getting nowhere. pastedGraphic_3.png
They are confused, and i feel sorry i got them confused.

The speaking one tells me : no no, we are all one, we are the same, you got it wrong! pastedGraphic_4.png
Lol, now they got me confused! 

At this point i think : you silly woman, you are talking with flowers!
And i go on with my walk. pastedGraphic_5.png

This happened bout 20 years ago, long long time before my awakening.
I remembered this conversation just now! Silly woman pastedGraphic_6.png

i am not alone

♥  may 27 . 2017  ♥

I am not alone, in fact, i never was. It just seemed so, a drifting soul in a vast universe.
A blue planet, blue waters, a sentient being, a blue being. How the hell did i get here?
Ah yes, it seems i agreed to be here, at this time. Did i? Wtf!

I remember being a child, by the way, i am still that child, the child that didn’t want to be here.
It was hiding in a tree, between the roots of a loving, compassionate tree 🙂 thank you tree.
It was safe there, taken care off. The child was playful, sensitive.

It wanted a purse, 3 years of age, in a store with mom and grandma, she didn’t get the purse.
She threw herself on the floor, yelling: i want that purse!
The grown-ups where embarrassed with this child.

Now? I give her all the purses she wants, Green, purple, yellow, blue, red.
But, all she wants is the treehouse, and walking the bridge to the Stellar Gateway!
Playing with the stars.

The stars smile at her, she is a star-child.

Thanks Carolyn Kundalini 🙂