duality

nothing really matters

♥  april 11 . 2019  : Madonna : nothing really matters  ♥

# please watch the vid, it is beautiful #

trying to define .. darkness, light, duality
and for some time now
sometimes …

i know
nothing really matters
nothing will ever really matter
coz
all will always matter
whatever!

what if
all is the same
all is
just
all
there is

what if
all is true
and every one
is right

what if
all is wrong
and there is
no
God
just
US

what if

there is
no god
and
you are
the CREATOR

imagine

mother of atoms

soul retrieval : darkness

♥  march 25 . 2019 .   ♥

Soul retrieval with Katherine Martin Youngren. March 25th 2019, 10:00-11:00 am CET. This is a transcript of my second session with Kat. Here is the link to the first session.

We connect through Messenger, Kat is in America and I am in Europe, we say good morning and Kat is already coughing severely. She tells me: I got up half an hour ago, got me a coffee and i started to cough and feeling very tired… I tell her half an hour ago i sat with a coffee and had to cough severely and cry, i felt very tired yes. But it is not a cold or cough, she tells me. No, i tell her, it is my throat chakra.

Ok, what lives do i want to look at? Kat asks me. I tell her that i feel that no one thing is more important than another, this is the state i am in … do i wanna know bout my DM? Bout Ana? Bout my mission? Is one thing more important than another? I am in limbo …

🦋
Kat tells me the story of the caterpillar that is transforming into a butterfly. And it is the cocoon that is pivotal, what is happening in there. It is an inside job, the caterpillar kinda dies inside the cocoon, it has to die so the transformation can be complete. I tell Kat i already felt like dying before, i die again and again. This is another death. We never stop to heal, she says.

So, Kat first cleans me, my chakra’s, aura. And there is much darkness that is attaching to me and inside of me. Kat tells me i have to shield myself when i go outside and when i come back home i have to clear the shield before entering. I take the pain and darkness from others, can be friends, relatives but also totally strangers, i take the darkness with me.

I can shield however way feels good to me, white light, violet flame. I just have to set the intention. Awareness of this is key i suppose …

Then she cleans my house and again she experiences something she never has before: house is trying to heal me, it has taken my pain and darkness, it is in the walls and the floor. And now house is also stuck with this darkness and isn’t even able to say hello to Kat, like it did in the earlier session. For your information: in the former session my house greeted Kat so friendly! Is was so cool it did that, Kat never had a house greeting her so friendly.
So, Kat and me clear house together, we ask house to release the darkness, let it go. After all the clearing i do feel better 🙂

Kat tells me: you know that all of our lives are happening at the same time (there is no time, it is a 3D concept), so this ‘state’ of darkness is playing out now, somewhere …

The Sacrifice 🌸
Kat suggests we are going to look at a life where the darkness attached to me: So i ask, with my hand on my heart: Spirit, can you please show me a life where the root of darkness attached to me? And it gets darker and heavier. I sink, slowly i sink and it is getting darker. I keep sinking, slowly. Where am i? I am pulled down by something, what is it? Something is tied to my feet, dragging me down. It is a rope. And something heavy is on the other end of the rope. And i sense sand and shells, water, little fish. Yes i am in water.

So, who tied the rope to my feet, who wanted me dead? Where was I when this happened? I was on a boat, on a river, there was a party. And i wanted to help the people there, give them light. So i sacrificed myself, thought that would help them so i killed myself.
Now, while sinking and sinking deeper into this dark, i feel the earth around me, i feel the flowers, the trees, the clouds, the grass, the water, and they feel me. They get my light and i see their light. Kat asks me: does it benefit the people on the boat? Mmmm, no it doesn’t …. they aren’t aware of it at all … my suicide was in-vain.

# afterwards
this experience must have had a great impact, i know it has .. the strange thing was, it didn’t feel like drowning, how i expected it to be. The light i was giving to what surrounded me and the light that was given to me by the life around me .. was so serene. There was no struggle to survive, no pain, only compassion. The humans that were partying weren’t aware but all other life was
#

The Fairy 🌳
Kat asks me: What do you wanna explore now? Another life with darkness attached or a first life where you connected to nature? I choose the latter and i ask spirit to show me. Now i am in a huge ancient forest, huge trees, green leaves, lushly. I am flying through the forest, visit trees, they are friendly. Lol, i am a fairy 🙂 Kat asks me: where is Kat? Can you ask where Kat is? So i ask spirit: Spirit, can you tell me where Kat is? Hard to tell, i get the image of a huge tree. She is the tree or inside the tree? Kat tells me this is ancient Greek and she is a nymph. Now, here sitting on my bed and yet flying around in this magnificent forest, i can feel my crown chakra light up and sparkle. I tell Kat, she feels her crown too.

# afterwards
I had to Google nymph. Suits you dear Kat
There are several kinds of nymphs.
Dryad, also called hamadryad, in Greek mythology, a nymph or nature spirit who lives in trees and takes the form of a beautiful young woman. Dryads were originally the spirits of oak trees (drys: “oak”), but the name was later applied to all tree nymphs.
Later Kat tells me she was the nymph Daphne (see Apollo and Cupid) and she was able to go in and out of trees and water.
#

Baby Darkness 👻
We are going to look to the first life where i was a guardian of darkness.
It is dark, hard to grasp what is happening, it all is .. feels .. rudimental, i hardly move, just am, big dark .. something. bit moving bit no-moving. im formless. Ah, Kat says something, far far away. Far outside of me. i am totally in myself. She asks me: are you a mother? Ah, a mother! Kinda, there are little things moving inside me, little black square boxes, bout 5 i sense. They move in my chest and they quarrel! And they move and they are loud and they are quarreling, annoying! The one with the loudest mouth is pressing against my chest bone. Auch! It hurts. Inside and outside is all quite dark, like just before dawn.

Kat asks me to send the pieces of darkness out, into the world. I don’t have to carry them inside of me, i can release them so they can do their work in the outside world, stir up some that need it (lol), they can come back and will come back. It is ok, i can send them out again, with love and care. That is not rejection. While i am letting the boxes out they change colors, the black changes into soft colors.

😭
During this ‘past life experience’ i cry quite some. Coz this is what is playing out in my life now, knowing that i can’t reject darkness, i feel too much sorry for it ..

#
sounds crazy maybe yes i know. It is what it is, there is too much rejection already, too much not seeing, but i see, i feel, and i can’t reject. Nothing. There is neither good nor bad, neither darkness nor light, neither me nor you… All is one and nothing can be rejected, not on the long run.
#

So yes, darkness comes to me, it attaches to me. Some of it is mine, most is not, lol. And i don’t have to keep it, it won’t benefit me to keep it. I can love it, maybe transform some of it, then let it go.
Kat tells me a part of my mission is to protect nature, another part is giving darkness a voice, a place. Also, i am a keeper of an archangel essence, Lucifer’s. Why doesn’t that surprise me 😈

Side-note: the second angel who presented itself to me in 2016, was Ariel, the angel of nature. The first was Ismael, who helps to open the heart. With thanks to all ‘my’ angels.

Ans
To Kat, whom i highly recommend if you consider to explore
With a big hug and much much love sista!
XD

hurt !

♥  february 26 . 2019  ♥

Okay, some clearing 😊 after a period of silence.
Im listening to this tarot reader who says im deeply hurt 😳
And yes, i think i finally gotta admit: i am deeply hurt!

After some years now of spiritual growth, acceptance (mmm?), cleansing … i gotta admit all this ‘light-work’ is sooo fucking dark!

Where is that light? That bright, illuminescent, all compassing Source light?! Yeah of course duh, its inside me lol. I passed that stage 😎 Found it!

Light attracks shadow, so, here it is! Right, hurt, yes again, thought i was ‘over’ that, loved all no matter what. The point is, i do, love all, always did. That started the hurt to begin with. I cant hate, cant blame others, never. I know im the creator and it doesn’t really matter 😁

The hurt is back, tenfold. The brighter, the darker, isnt it?
Some days ago i discovered (lol, welcome Geurts!) i am a shadow worker, at the moment i am, guess i always was. Now i know there really is place for the shadows to come. Always there in the shadows, now its time.

27032019 the Devil enters
how appropiate 👿

wrapping up

♥  february 13 . 2019  ♥
1 thing is true 4 sure 😁 nothing is real but source
# a Hermit’s journey # pages of my journal #

wrapping up
Temperance / 2018 / past lifes
wrapping up
past pains / past fears
wrapping up
Gaia / Lyra / Lemuria / Vega
wrapping up
all i was / am / be
Yo / Anna / Ans

wrapping up
1 : humans / aliens ( this plane & that plane )
# love them / hate them # not true ( i could never hate, as an infant i didn’t understand hate, i just didn’t hate, it confused the hell out of me! it made me different, it made me doubt myself, i was clearly wrong! i didn’t fit ) thx Pl. 🙂

wrapping up
2 : GAIA : yes all capitals / wrapping up Gaia is very hard to do. i came to love her, in all these ages, all our lifes 2-gether.
she got me entangled in her web 😎 the drama! the feelings! the hurt! ah, THE PAIN! yes! capitals! i love it you know / got addicted to it / this level / this /

wrapping up
3 : Darkness : i know now that Darkness never leaves me ( and ) / i don’t want it to
coz / just coz / its me

wrapping up
4 : past / which is not
Alcy – Ana – Vega – Y
the corner stone
divine / can we connect

wrapping
5 : up
/ coz i am
/ nothing
/ else

up
6 : wrapping
down
duality
what is [ not existing ] was
really?

7 : seven
😎
welcome to my world
yo

on the devil’s threshold

♥  february 3 . 2019  ♥

# On the Devil’s treshold. #
In Hermit mode – again
nov19xx/jan20xx

You own nothing
Spirit told me
I am not my thoughts
I am not my emotions
I am not my fears
I am not my words
I am not my self
………
I am integrating all i was, am, will be
This lifetime
Beyond
Beyond beyond

I searched for me
Searched in past lifes
Searched in future lifes
Explored galactic lifes

(This is no ordinary love
No ordinary love)

Now, dancing in my kitchen
In this limbo
I dance
I smile
I cry
Coz spirit hits me
(Duality?)

I am retrieving
Calling back all i am
In this lifetime
No past
No future

*Lol & fack
Of course!
No future
No past
Only the now!*

I call back all that i am
All my babies
All the crying babies
All the infants
All the fearfull infants
I call back
All my wounded adolescents
All my hurts
All my fears
I call back all
The broken pieces
Of my heart

I know now why
it has to be the Devil
Entering

While retrieving me
The darkest parts return first
The light hasn’t arrived yet
Its the dawn of time
The dawn of pain
Ive been there
I choose this

But the deepest pit
Has yet to come
2019 March 27th
Let It Enter
Im ready!

See!
HS smiles
Spirit smiles
The Universe smiles
I smile
………yet, i am all………
Yo

plassen zwart

♥  september 12 . 2018 : poem 1987 ♥

plassen zwart
vertroebelen
badend bed
plassen zweet

dat wat was
verscholen in het moeras
borrelend wachtend

de geest verweven
geduldig leven
sissend smachtend

plassen zwart
vertroebelen
plassen zwart
van geest

pools of black
blurring
bathing bed
pools of sweat

what once was
hiding in the swamp
bubbling waiting

the mind intertwined
temperate life
hissing yearning

pools of black
blurring
pools of black
my mind

koorts & tranen

♥  august 22 . 2018 : i wrote this in 1987  ♥

koorts & tranen
‘n immense kou
pale blue eyes + stromen tranen
zweet & pijn
‘n niet weten
and i don’t care + beken zweet
misselijkheid
kapotgebeten lippen
‘n verschrikkelijke spierpijn
+ ‘n foetushouding
time for you is up
honger + hartstocht
‘n kapotte keel
baby come and free the hurricane
wit + dood
‘n behaaglijke rust
kotsend overeind komend
+ duizelig
a sweet tau
destructief
don’t leave me here alone
a sea of jelly
gewond and i’m not human

fever & tears
an immense cold
pale blue eyes + flowing tears
sweat & pain
not knowing
and i do not care + pools of sweat
nausea
broken lips
a terrible ache
+ a fetal position
time for you is up
hunger + passion
a sore throat
baby come and free the hurricane
white + dead
a comfortable rest
rising up vomiting
+ dizzy
a sweet tau
destructive
don’t leave me here alone
a sea of ​​jelly
wounded and i’m not human

a message from Bob

♥  august 7 . 2018  ♥

There is more about Robert Monroe on my site, not much yet, more to come. See tag below.

there is no beginning, there is no end, there is only change

there is no teacher, there is no student, there is only remembering

there is no good, there is no evil, there is only expression

there is no union, there is no sharing, there is only one

there is no joy, there is no sadness, there is only love

there is no greater, there is no lesser, there is only balance

there is no stasis, there is no entropy, there is only motion

there is no wakefulness, there is no sleep, there is only being

there is no limit, there is no chance, there is only a plan

from Robert A. Monroe : Ultimate journey

There are 3 books in this series.
Book 1 : Journeys out of the body
Book 2 : Far Journeys
Book 3 : Ultimate Journey

to hell and back

♥  march 22 . 2018  ♥

i feel something big is coming
i know why i refuse to meditate

this is a crucial stage of my healing proces, the deeper, the darker i guess
love it, come and fight me!! i am a warrior 😳

* I love you to hell and back, we said while we had to let go of each others hands, I was you and you were me, male/female, does it really matter anyway? entangled past lives, can’t tell yet which is which … we loved, we murdered, we grieved, we hated, we died .. we were passionate * 😩

yes, something big is coming and I was scared, now I am curieus, I refuse to meditate but I am closer to spirit, source, HS, his HS, angels than ever before, and it freaks me out sometimes

* nono, they tell me, it is not us, not us not us, not him not him him him it is you is you you : my date 2018032219:04 : your spirit, our flashing fiery fast spirit, the spirit they judged as childish, naive, not responsible, not wanting to see the truth …

it killed you killed your spirit
guess what? we are back!

i am me
i am free

LSjjm6:3210

a convo with pain

♥  january 3 . 2018  ♥ 

finally i sit with Pain . connecting with it . getting to know it  😩
and i sit with it . and we are silent  🐞  we just sit and be
respecting each other . sometimes looking sideways
finding each others eyes

“Yes”, it says: “i am pain and i suffer, i bring suffering and
you were afraid of me, you rejected me and
i hid in the darkest corners of your being
peeking through the cracks of your perceptions
watching you, watching me.”

“Now i sit with you”, i reply: “i am tired
tired of fighting, tired of fighting you, fighting me
tired of rejecting you, rejecting me
tired of being afraid of you, afraid of me.”

and we smile to each other, we have grown, we are wiser and kinder  💖

* Thank you for being here with me, for respecting me, having compassion with me. Thank you for sitting here with me, in silence. Winter storms outside us, inside us. *

With love 🌹

possession

♥  december 27 . 2017  ♥

I can’t remember when i saw this movie for the first time, it could well be 1981, the year Possession came to the movie houses. At that time they were quite obscure, not really mainstream stuff. Possession is made by Andrzej Zulawski while he and his wife were divorcing.

The first time i saw it, i was in complete horror. I couldn’t say anything about this movie, coz i didn’t know what to think anymore. So confusing! I managed to get this movie, this confusion and total chaos, out of my head and went on with life.

Well, guess i thought i moved on with life, coz deep under the surface 🌀

Yes, i began to appreciate this movie and although it also repelled me and i didn’t know what to think of it, it was able to confuse me, sneak into my head. How and why? Why did it trigger me this much? I was fascinated!

Okay, i saw it a second, third and fourth time.

I mention the movie because to me it is about awakening, duality, the lowest of people and the best of people. I intent to write more about it. 🤔

IMDb about Possession
Wikipedia about Possession
Critics round up

the death of Vega

♥  oktober 29 . 2017 : dimensionality is a human concept  ♥

3D, 5D we are quite known with this concepts now. We think we have integrated them in our daily lives. By the way, shifting paradigms, shifting timelines? Do we really think we know what we are doing? Hold on!! 🌀

Do we? Join me on the next step: Zero Point. The Creators Dominion, The space without space, time without time, dimensions without dimensions. Can you still follow me?

I went back, way back: Paris 19th century, Lemuria bout 12k B.C., the rise of the Pleiadians, go back go back they say, the Lyran war, the death of Vega, i WAS Vega 🤔

Then i realized, i didn’t have to be Vega to feel her pain, her dying. I merge more and more into unity consciousness, into Zero Point where timelines collapse, where all is one, where i don’t have to be that murderer of my twin in Paris, where i no longer am the healer in Lemuria.

No, i am not that past or that present, more and more i am the energy. That flame of Creation that experiences everything, connected to all that is.

And fuck you!! Its fucking hard, lol.

Thanks dear Kat ♥️

duality is a veil

♥  oktober 11 . 2017 : ZP – the merging point  ♥

passages of my journey home

Mmm, this turned out to be a bit of a philosophical and scientific post 🤔

Merging of Duality. Ever wondered where two (counter) parts merge? Can you imagine the merging and how that actually feels? And do you try to bring the parts together, as i did? To reduce the space between the counterparts?

A few days ago HS told me to go deeper into my pain and there was already so much pain. I replied: Fuck you! He told me: Fuck YOU! You know what, Higher Self is always right of course. 🙄

I am doing some carpentry in my new home and think bout Higher Self’s words, and i allow my pain to be here and i cry. I let myself drift away with the pain, deeper, deeper, spiraling down, i sink on the floor, crying, shaking. Ok, stay there and feel it! Feel it.  😭

My darkness grows, dark grey smokey trails, till, some light comes in. It expands and my feelings of joy expand. Now i feel / experience as much pain as i feel bliss. They are equal, in balance, and i don’t know what to choose, and i don’t have to! So, i feel both, i let both in. I laugh and i cry.

The strange thing is though, i realize, really realize, there is no merging of dualities because of coming closer, nope, there is a merging cause they are allowed to expand, to grow to infinite space (ZP?) and yes, move away from each other.  ⚛️

* not making them smaller so they will fit in in the space that is convenient for you, not ‘giving them a place’ but by letting them be the infinite energy they are *

And in that infinite space they have the freedom to merge, into oneness, into Yin and Yang
Venus and Mars, DM and DF ♀️♂️

Beyond the veil there is only oneness.
I hope someone can relate to this, lol.

With love ♥️

the winds of change

♥  july 29 . 2017 . entropy is an illusion  ♥

in the forest with my dog
i realize, this will never die
i will be here forever, with my dog
this moment in time will always be 🌳

being nothing, not significant
yet being all
this is no duality
this is wholeness ☯️

yet, there’s the little pink girl
again,  relocating
and the trees wait so patiently
so silently, so peacefully

entropy is an illusion
i tear the leaf in pieces
can it be whole again?
entropy says no, i say yes

in fact, it already is whole
in a space without time and yet
always time, this leaf is always whole 🍀

SHE was always whole, but she didn’t know
she was torn to pieces
lost parts of herself
yet, she was never lost!

from entropy to quantum entanglement
a flow in time/non-time
source created entropy, chaos out of order
order out of chaos
and we are moving back

the girl is getting whole again
sitting under a tree with some giggling fairies
she writes : i gotta heal myself, the feeling of being worthless
i am powerful and it scares me as hell
‍♀️♂️

“Dear mommy, are we going to move again?”, the little pink girl asks her mom while she is packing their stuff in boxes. There is Bella, her favorite black doll, almost as big as the girl! “Yes yes, we have to child, stop nagging now, i’m busy”. And she remembers, they were always, always moving, again, a new home. 🏚️

“Dear Higher Self, are we going on the move again?”, i ask HS while he is hoisting the sails. He turns his bald, blue head and shows me his big smile. “Yes yes, we have to, the time is perfect. Pack your stuff and lets ride these waves”. Ok ok, here we go again, sailing to New Earth. 🌎

“Dear Alcyone, i know i promised to go and i really like to, but i will forget bout you! How can that be? I can’t imagine ME without YOU.” The great central sun smiles with his big heart: “little one, we are always together, try to remember. Now go, we will meet again in Lemuria”.