a session with Lucifer

♥  march 18 . 2019 ♥

😈 session with Alyssa (Desert Hempwork) and her guide Lucifer

# march 27th, my birthday, i move into the Devil’s year. So, i feel this reading is very suitable for me

Note: I am/was reluctant to share this one. Coz, a few months ago i was dying to know more bout my DM. Now i realize my own path is more important and I am shifting my focus, I hope I am lol. But as Spirit told me: you own nothing, and I already gave insights in past life sessions, so here is a part of some weird story and some more info about Ana, a very high energy that visits me sometimes. #

I message Alyssa >

First answer >

# My first question gets confirmation so that’s cool! The answer to the second question surprises me pleasantly and yet I feel heavy. I know for some time now that our inner children are important, I got images of them and I started to work on my own inner child, again. But since I am detaching from the twin flame label and focus on me, ahum 😁 I don’t wanna violate his energy, his space, although I can’t really shut down the 5D connection. It is delicate lol. #

More from Lucifer >

# So on point! Getting my power back and take control of it, not being afraid of it, as I was for sooo long. It is returning. Also I know now what this Devil’s year is bringing me: my full power 😜 and pleasure, coz the inner children is also about fun and it is badly needed! #

# Some clarity: I don’t wanna ask / know about my DM but Ana is an energy I am very interested in. To me she is an entity I have an important connection with, twin flame stuff or not, our bond is unique. So yeah, while in this session Ana popped up and I was just curieus. #

# Obviously there is much more information, but I have not yet access to it 🤔 #

# Yeah, wings are here lol 🙏 #

Thanks Alyssa and Lucifer! So i just take off then 😎

Childish Things

Few days later, pondering bout inner child stuff. After some hesitating, I decide to go visit my inner child in her tree house, between the roots of a giant tree 😊 It’s a bit dark inside, gloomy. I tell her to put some trunks on the wood stove. She seems distracted lol, hardly reacts. I ask her if she wants to visit His inner child and reluctantly she goes ..

First impression (where is she drawn to): he is in a corner of his room, with his back turned to the little girl, there is no green, no nature,  he won’t response so she leaves.

Second scene (where does she finds his core): she finds his core in the middle of this corn field where the sun is shining gently and the softly shining gold color of the corn is every where. His core energy is in this shed he build for himself. It has a roof of corn leaves and three walls of corn stalks. But he isn’t home.

She returns to me and I feel a bit guilty I asked her to go and she got rejected, again.

Another visit a few days later. I find my inner child in my heart (she moved!) and we decide to go together and take another look at his inner child (I won’t let her do this alone this time). We take a long walk from my heart through veins and other stuff 😲 till we come to a square room where his inner child is seated, legs crossed, in the upper right corner. Back turned to us and he is doing something with his hands, we can’t see what. Then he turns to us, yes he does notice us, and he turns around to show us. He has a beautiful white shiny orb in his hands, playing with it. Throwing it in the air and catching it. He smiles at us and turns back to the corner to go on with his ‘work’. Okay we go, don’t wanna disturb him.

Okay, I have no intention to push or to violate another person’s energy field and I have my own stuff to attend to. So, I decide for now not to visit him again. I feel like an intruder and I don’t like that. My inner child and me take the path back to my heart.

A few days later I have a session with Kat in which she finds that I hold an essence of the archangel Lucifer.. which again is so fitting.

nothing really matters

♥  april 11 . 2019  : Madonna : nothing really matters  ♥

# please watch the vid, it is beautiful #

trying to define .. darkness, light, duality
and for some time now
sometimes …

i know
nothing really matters
nothing will ever really matter
all will always matter

what if
all is the same
all is
there is

what if
all is true
and every one
is right

what if
all is wrong
and there is

what if

there is
no god
you are


mother of atoms

past life : the slave

♥  april 18 . 2017  ♥

BlueSkyHynosis : guided past life regression (youtube) 43:11min

The narrator leads me to a temple, there’s a corridor with doors, i pick one door and go in. Then he asks me questions: how do i look, age, what’s inside, how’s dinner, etc.

Where am i?
It feels Roman, i get 987 AD. I am wearing sandals and a short dress with a cord around my waist, i have medium long dark hair. I am a woman, 18 years of age.

What is the city?
Alexandria, some kind of temple. There is an altar with a dead man on it.

How is dinner? 🌽
I stand in a large, white marble room. Very large. And i stand in a row with other young people, all dressed the same. We each hold a plate with food with both our hands. We stand about 8 meters opposite a large table and the chairs are occupied by men. Each one of us serves one man, we are personal slaves.

Happiest scene. 🌴🌞
I am playing with my boyfriend, outside in the sun. Nature, a meadow. He has black hair and blue eyes. We are about 6-7 years of age and we live in the same street in a small village. We are the same and we know. He promised to take care of me. But we were taken apart, i never heard of him again. I became a slave.

Most important question: why didn’t you protect me? 🧚‍♀️🧚‍♂️
Because he couldn’t. We were taken apart coz together we were too strong!

The gift: We could astral travel, we had wings. And we both had our third eye opened. We were just too powerful in the eyes of the ruling elite.

Another scene.
I am giving birth and they take my baby away. Never saw it again. I sense i am the slave now, and when a child was born, they took it away.

What was the lesson this life? ❤️ Love conquers all!

april 6 : 2019
Posting this now, it seems weird that this life teached me that love conquers all. It must have been a quite cruel life i guess … but somehow the vision that covers / envisions / rules this life, is a vision of freedom and love and light.

Coz now i realize all that time i was surrounded and protected. Looking back into that life, as i do now, wondering .., i see the light that was always there, i feel the love that surrounds me, feel the sun on my skin, feel his ever lasting love on me 🌸

I think i cleared this path 😁👍

Alexandria is founded in 331 BC and was the capital of Egypt till 969 AD.
Cleopatra was the last Ptolemee, she died in 30 AD.
In 641 AD Egypt was conquered by the Muslims.

still wounded

♥  march 27 . 2019 ♥

what if all is the same

and it is not bout me

it never was bout me

punches in my stomach

again and again



now, it are

angels, punching

on my shield

my hard heart shield 😁



rising but

stagnate coz

my heart


let her


still wounded

what if


soul retrieval : darkness

♥  march 25 . 2019 .   ♥

Soul retrieval with Katherine Martin Youngren. March 25th 2019, 10:00-11:00 am CET. This is a transcript of my second session with Kat. Here is the link to the first session.

We connect through Messenger, Kat is in America and I am in Europe, we say good morning and Kat is already coughing severely. She tells me: I got up half an hour ago, got me a coffee and i started to cough and feeling very tired… I tell her half an hour ago i sat with a coffee and had to cough severely and cry, i felt very tired yes. But it is not a cold or cough, she tells me. No, i tell her, it is my throat chakra.

Ok, what lives do i want to look at? Kat asks me. I tell her that i feel that no one thing is more important than another, this is the state i am in … do i wanna know bout my DM? Bout Ana? Bout my mission? Is one thing more important than another? I am in limbo …

Kat tells me the story of the caterpillar that is transforming into a butterfly. And it is the cocoon that is pivotal, what is happening in there. It is an inside job, the caterpillar kinda dies inside the cocoon, it has to die so the transformation can be complete. I tell Kat i already felt like dying before, i die again and again. This is another death. We never stop to heal, she says.

So, Kat first cleans me, my chakra’s, aura. And there is much darkness that is attaching to me and inside of me. Kat tells me i have to shield myself when i go outside and when i come back home i have to clear the shield before entering. I take the pain and darkness from others, can be friends, relatives but also totally strangers, i take the darkness with me.

I can shield however way feels good to me, white light, violet flame. I just have to set the intention. Awareness of this is key i suppose …

Then she cleans my house and again she experiences something she never has before: house is trying to heal me, it has taken my pain and darkness, it is in the walls and the floor. And now house is also stuck with this darkness and isn’t even able to say hello to Kat, like it did in the earlier session. For your information: in the former session my house greeted Kat so friendly! Is was so cool it did that, Kat never had a house greeting her so friendly.
So, Kat and me clear house together, we ask house to release the darkness, let it go. After all the clearing i do feel better 🙂

Kat tells me: you know that all of our lives are happening at the same time (there is no time, it is a 3D concept), so this ‘state’ of darkness is playing out now, somewhere …

The Sacrifice 🌸
Kat suggests we are going to look at a life where the darkness attached to me: So i ask, with my hand on my heart: Spirit, can you please show me a life where the root of darkness attached to me? And it gets darker and heavier. I sink, slowly i sink and it is getting darker. I keep sinking, slowly. Where am i? I am pulled down by something, what is it? Something is tied to my feet, dragging me down. It is a rope. And something heavy is on the other end of the rope. And i sense sand and shells, water, little fish. Yes i am in water.

So, who tied the rope to my feet, who wanted me dead? Where was I when this happened? I was on a boat, on a river, there was a party. And i wanted to help the people there, give them light. So i sacrificed myself, thought that would help them so i killed myself.
Now, while sinking and sinking deeper into this dark, i feel the earth around me, i feel the flowers, the trees, the clouds, the grass, the water, and they feel me. They get my light and i see their light. Kat asks me: does it benefit the people on the boat? Mmmm, no it doesn’t …. they aren’t aware of it at all … my suicide was in-vain.

# afterwards
this experience must have had a great impact, i know it has .. the strange thing was, it didn’t feel like drowning, how i expected it to be. The light i was giving to what surrounded me and the light that was given to me by the life around me .. was so serene. There was no struggle to survive, no pain, only compassion. The humans that were partying weren’t aware but all other life was

The Fairy 🌳
Kat asks me: What do you wanna explore now? Another life with darkness attached or a first life where you connected to nature? I choose the latter and i ask spirit to show me. Now i am in a huge ancient forest, huge trees, green leaves, lushly. I am flying through the forest, visit trees, they are friendly. Lol, i am a fairy 🙂 Kat asks me: where is Kat? Can you ask where Kat is? So i ask spirit: Spirit, can you tell me where Kat is? Hard to tell, i get the image of a huge tree. She is the tree or inside the tree? Kat tells me this is ancient Greek and she is a nymph. Now, here sitting on my bed and yet flying around in this magnificent forest, i can feel my crown chakra light up and sparkle. I tell Kat, she feels her crown too.

# afterwards
I had to Google nymph. Suits you dear Kat
There are several kinds of nymphs.
Dryad, also called hamadryad, in Greek mythology, a nymph or nature spirit who lives in trees and takes the form of a beautiful young woman. Dryads were originally the spirits of oak trees (drys: “oak”), but the name was later applied to all tree nymphs.
Later Kat tells me she was the nymph Daphne (see Apollo and Cupid) and she was able to go in and out of trees and water.

Baby Darkness 👻
We are going to look to the first life where i was a guardian of darkness.
It is dark, hard to grasp what is happening, it all is .. feels .. rudimental, i hardly move, just am, big dark .. something. bit moving bit no-moving. im formless. Ah, Kat says something, far far away. Far outside of me. i am totally in myself. She asks me: are you a mother? Ah, a mother! Kinda, there are little things moving inside me, little black square boxes, bout 5 i sense. They move in my chest and they quarrel! And they move and they are loud and they are quarreling, annoying! The one with the loudest mouth is pressing against my chest bone. Auch! It hurts. Inside and outside is all quite dark, like just before dawn.

Kat asks me to send the pieces of darkness out, into the world. I don’t have to carry them inside of me, i can release them so they can do their work in the outside world, stir up some that need it (lol), they can come back and will come back. It is ok, i can send them out again, with love and care. That is not rejection. While i am letting the boxes out they change colors, the black changes into soft colors.

During this ‘past life experience’ i cry quite some. Coz this is what is playing out in my life now, knowing that i can’t reject darkness, i feel too much sorry for it ..

sounds crazy maybe yes i know. It is what it is, there is too much rejection already, too much not seeing, but i see, i feel, and i can’t reject. Nothing. There is neither good nor bad, neither darkness nor light, neither me nor you… All is one and nothing can be rejected, not on the long run.

So yes, darkness comes to me, it attaches to me. Some of it is mine, most is not, lol. And i don’t have to keep it, it won’t benefit me to keep it. I can love it, maybe transform some of it, then let it go.
Kat tells me a part of my mission is to protect nature, another part is giving darkness a voice, a place. Also, i am a keeper of an archangel essence, Lucifer’s. Why doesn’t that surprise me 😈

Side-note: the second angel who presented itself to me in 2016, was Ariel, the angel of nature. The first was Ismael, who helps to open the heart. With thanks to all ‘my’ angels.

To Kat, whom i highly recommend if you consider to explore
With a big hug and much much love sista!

my mother

♥  march 11 . 2019  ♥

my mother
gave birth to me
when she turned 17
just 3 days earlier
on March 24th

she was a child
she was hurt
i didn’t
i took her

took her life

yeah she
when she grew
not wiser

she was

told us



and i love her

hurt !

♥  february 26 . 2019  ♥

Okay, some clearing 😊 after a period of silence.
Im listening to this tarot reader who says im deeply hurt 😳
And yes, i think i finally gotta admit: i am deeply hurt!

After some years now of spiritual growth, acceptance (mmm?), cleansing … i gotta admit all this ‘light-work’ is sooo fucking dark!

Where is that light? That bright, illuminescent, all compassing Source light?! Yeah of course duh, its inside me lol. I passed that stage 😎 Found it!

Light attracks shadow, so, here it is! Right, hurt, yes again, thought i was ‘over’ that, loved all no matter what. The point is, i do, love all, always did. That started the hurt to begin with. I cant hate, cant blame others, never. I know im the creator and it doesn’t really matter 😁

The hurt is back, tenfold. The brighter, the darker, isnt it?
Some days ago i discovered (lol, welcome Geurts!) i am a shadow worker, at the moment i am, guess i always was. Now i know there really is place for the shadows to come. Always there in the shadows, now its time.

27032019 the Devil enters
how appropiate 👿

wrapping up

♥  february 13 . 2019  ♥
1 thing is true 4 sure 😁 nothing is real but source
# a Hermit’s journey # pages of my journal #

wrapping up
Temperance / 2018 / past lifes
wrapping up
past pains / past fears
wrapping up
Gaia / Lyra / Lemuria / Vega
wrapping up
all i was / am / be
Yo / Anna / Ans

wrapping up
1 : humans / aliens ( this plane & that plane )
# love them / hate them # not true ( i could never hate, as an infant i didn’t understand hate, i just didn’t hate, it confused the hell out of me! it made me different, it made me doubt myself, i was clearly wrong! i didn’t fit ) thx Pl. 🙂

wrapping up
2 : GAIA : yes all capitals / wrapping up Gaia is very hard to do. i came to love her, in all these ages, all our lifes 2-gether.
she got me entangled in her web 😎 the drama! the feelings! the hurt! ah, THE PAIN! yes! capitals! i love it you know / got addicted to it / this level / this /

wrapping up
3 : Darkness : i know now that Darkness never leaves me ( and ) / i don’t want it to
coz / just coz / its me

wrapping up
4 : past / which is not
Alcy – Ana – Vega – Y
the corner stone
divine / can we connect

5 : up
/ coz i am
/ nothing
/ else

6 : wrapping
what is [ not existing ] was

7 : seven
welcome to my world

on the devil’s threshold

♥  february 3 . 2019  ♥

# On the Devil’s treshold. #
In Hermit mode – again

You own nothing
Spirit told me
I am not my thoughts
I am not my emotions
I am not my fears
I am not my words
I am not my self
I am integrating all i was, am, will be
This lifetime
Beyond beyond

I searched for me
Searched in past lifes
Searched in future lifes
Explored galactic lifes

(This is no ordinary love
No ordinary love)

Now, dancing in my kitchen
In this limbo
I dance
I smile
I cry
Coz spirit hits me

I am retrieving
Calling back all i am
In this lifetime
No past
No future

*Lol & fack
Of course!
No future
No past
Only the now!*

I call back all that i am
All my babies
All the crying babies
All the infants
All the fearfull infants
I call back
All my wounded adolescents
All my hurts
All my fears
I call back all
The broken pieces
Of my heart

I know now why
it has to be the Devil

While retrieving me
The darkest parts return first
The light hasn’t arrived yet
Its the dawn of time
The dawn of pain
Ive been there
I choose this

But the deepest pit
Has yet to come
2019 March 27th
Let It Enter
Im ready!

HS smiles
Spirit smiles
The Universe smiles
I smile
………yet, i am all………

letting go

♥  january 4 . 2019  ♥

# Pages of my journal – the Hermit’s journey #

As i sit here on my couch, my higher self on my right as usual, i reflect, 2018 is gone.
And i am good at beating myself up: you havent done enough, you havent worked hard enough, you are not worthy.

Higher Self smiles. “Thank god, at least YOU are here!” i tell HS. “WE ALL are”, he says 🙂
Reflecting: yeah, guess i screwed up some things lol, but mostly i grew, i realize i grow and keep growing, against all odds, against all fears.

2018 : Temperance, The always loving Raphael, Wings (fack, i have huge ones, still dont know how to use them lol), lots of pain and an ocean of tears, can i shed more? Yes, they tell me with a smile lol, mfs 🙂

Letting go : 2 turns to 3 The Divine Step In
Ana is visiting me lately, more frequently. She still doesn’t really tell me who she is …
oke, as far as i know : our history goes back to Vega and the Lyran star system, i was Vega …
or, we were Vega, something like that, there was some unity together with Alcyone, the Pleiadian central sun.

Nowadays, Ana is my spirit guide, but her energy is sooo high its hard for me to reach her.
Let go, understand her. But i FEEL her, and she is mostly all white with a blue gaze, like ice.
My first name for her was The Ice Queen. The second was His Mother (lol), the third was Ana.

Ah, letting go yes!
Struggling the whole year with attachments, first and foremost to the twin flame journey. We gotta get rid of the label! It served its purpose. It drives people mad, yet, asking ourselves is the start, isn’t it?

Yes, what is the worst attachment? What is the worst fear?
Rejection popped up a few weeks ago, thought id handled that lol. Guess not.

Ah, i wanna end this now! Uh, i mean the journalling 🙂
Wrapping up not only 2018 but a bunch of lifetimes yo!

With a bunch of love and madness 😎❤️😁

she died

♥  december 17 . 2018  ♥

She died tonight, in my living room, in front of the television.
She managed to get there, don’t know why.

Earlier today she fell out of her web, could not manage to get up again.. elas Genie 😔 Yesterday she managed though, she fell 2 meters, fell on the windowsill and got up again, struggled to reach her web, high up in my window. And she did!

Yet, today, she did not manage. She fell. And then fell from the windowsill on the floor. I put her on the windowsill once, but again she fell.. i let her .. die her own dead. Find her own place to die.

Bye Genie. She was ‘my’ spider for over a year. Sitting in her web which grew steadily every day. I wonder now, how old do spiders get?
I will miss her 😔

r u ready to fly ?

♥  november 4 . 2018  : Rozalla – are you ready to fly  ♥

Do you know I’m watching your colours keep flashing
I look through your eyes
Grey is for waiting not knowing
You’re going to be by my side
Red is for warning and blue is the colour
And yellow is love
Black is the colour of night
When you’re lying with me

Are you ready to fly
Can you leave the world behind, baby baby
Are you ready to fly
Together we’ll reach for the sky

When I hear you calling me
My heart is jumping and I want you so much
This rainbow emotion is starting to thrill me
I feel good inside
Kaleidoscope spinning as you start to touch me
We’re purple and gold
We live in the focus of love
And we’re drifting away

Are you ready to fly
And leave the world behind, baby baby
Are you ready to fly
Together we’ll reach for the sky

Are you ready to fly
Are you ready to fly

Oh you know I’m watching your colours keep flashing
I look through your eyes
Grey is for waiting not knowing
You’ll be by my side
And red is for warning and blue is my feeling
Black is the colour of the night
When you’re lying with me

Are you ready to fly
And leave the world behind, baby baby
Are you ready to fly
Together we’ll reach for the sky

Are you ready to fly oh yeah ooh
Are you ready
Are you ready

Are you ready to fly
Are you ready to fly

Fly with me oh I
Are you ready to fly
Can you leave the world behind
Are you ready to fly

Lindow man : poem

♥  november 2 . 2018 : poem 1987  ♥

about the translation : actually, in dutch ‘leer’ means both leather and doctrine, so this poem is very hard to translate, i choose doctrine coz it seems most suitable, however something gets lost here 🙃

leer van huid
leer van verleden

leer van geest
leer van vernietiging

moeras van kennis
en verlies

moeras van dromen
en verloren mens die niet
terug zal komen

doctrine of skin
doctrine of past

doctrine of spirit
doctrine of destruction

swamp of knowledge
and loss

swamp of dreams and
lost human who will not


♥  november 1 . 2018 : Angus & Julia Stone – from the album  ♥  Snow

your house, my house
any little reason to come around
your future is in my capable hands
but you have to understand that i don’t mean it

all i want to do is run around to your place
fix a drink and pretend that we are ok
we can hide in the cover of the storm
you’re the lightning and i’ll soon be gone

follow me to bottle and we’ll figure it out
i will leave my troubles by the river

your house, my house
running out of reasons to come around
and the part of me that wanted to believe
is making friends with all of my enemies

all i wanna do is run around to your place
and fix a drink and forget that this will all change
pretend that we are ok

follow me to bottle and we’ll figure it out
i will leave my troubles by the river

an offering to appease the ones we love
an opening to fall into your arms

man van turf

♥  october 15 . 2018 : poem 1987 ♥

natte turf
ijzerrijk begraven
het lichaam trekt
kille haven

de inhoud is
bewaard gebleven
en heeft tumor


de hersens gezeefd
tienmaal geleefd
hemel bezeten

poems are hard to translate because of rhyme and rhythm, yet i give it a try  🙃

wet peat
iron rich buried
body heat
cold harbor

the content is
well kept
and has given


the brain sifted
ten times lived
heaven possessed

plassen zwart

♥  september 12 . 2018 : poem 1987 ♥

plassen zwart
badend bed
plassen zweet

dat wat was
verscholen in het moeras
borrelend wachtend

de geest verweven
geduldig leven
sissend smachtend

plassen zwart
plassen zwart
van geest

pools of black
bathing bed
pools of sweat

what once was
hiding in the swamp
bubbling waiting

the mind intertwined
temperate life
hissing yearning

pools of black
pools of black
my mind

little little toddler

♥  august 29 . 2018 : little little toddler  ♥

I am crying while telling my inner child that it’s okay, that she wasn’t rude. And she knows she wasn’t rude and now she understands why this toddler song made her sooo mad and sooo sad 🙁

She is bout 3-4 years of age, playing in the small garden of her grandparents. And they sing this toddler song and she gets so angry and then so sad and the little girl yells: no! no, I don’t tremble on the flowers, I don’t do that! And this song was sung for years and every time she got upset and she didn’t understand why these grown-ups could say these terrible things about her.

Well, here it is 🙂

klein klein kleutertje
wat doe je in mijn hof
je plukt er alle bloempjes af
je maakt het veel te grof

o mijn lieve mamaatje
zeg het niet tegen papaatje
ik zal zoet naar school toe gaan
en de bloemetjes laten staan

little little toddler
what are you doing in my yard
you are picking all my flowers
and make it quite a mess

o my dear mummy
please don’t tell daddy
i will go to school now
and leave the little flowers

heart beats slow

♥  august 23 . 2018 : Angus & Julia Stone ♥

Well, I heard you were (you were lying)
About how brave you are
Well, I heard you were (you were still trying)
Trying to get back to the start

And we won’t let it into the kitchen
No, we won’t let it into the house
No, we won’t let it through the front door
Cause it’s burning her pretty little heart

I’m gonna miss you
Gonna miss you, girl
And all of the things we could have done
I’m gonna miss you
I’m gonna miss you
And all of the things we should have done

You say I move so fast
That you can hardly see
You say I move so fast
How could you be with me?

But my heart beats slow
But my heart beats slow
But my heart beats slow
But my heart beats slow

Well I wish you, wish you well
All the best
Well I wish you, I wish you well
All the best

koorts & tranen

♥  august 22 . 2018 : i wrote this in 1987  ♥

koorts & tranen
‘n immense kou
pale blue eyes + stromen tranen
zweet & pijn
‘n niet weten
and i don’t care + beken zweet
kapotgebeten lippen
‘n verschrikkelijke spierpijn
+ ‘n foetushouding
time for you is up
honger + hartstocht
‘n kapotte keel
baby come and free the hurricane
wit + dood
‘n behaaglijke rust
kotsend overeind komend
+ duizelig
a sweet tau
don’t leave me here alone
a sea of jelly
gewond and i’m not human

fever & tears
an immense cold
pale blue eyes + flowing tears
sweat & pain
not knowing
and i do not care + pools of sweat
broken lips
a terrible ache
+ a fetal position
time for you is up
hunger + passion
a sore throat
baby come and free the hurricane
white + dead
a comfortable rest
rising up vomiting
+ dizzy
a sweet tau
don’t leave me here alone
a sea of ​​jelly
wounded and i’m not human

Ana : the ice queen

♥  august 22 . 2018  ♥
convo with Ana aka The Ice Queen

# wtf is Ana? #
fyi : Ana is a new energy in my life, so i am exploring

I ask Ana if she is Alcyone but i already feel she is not
i see them merging to one but they aren’t one.
She smiles: so you know, we are not one but we are very close. Like some monad? I ask her. No no, she laughs, that is 3D perception, forget the labels 🙂 it is beyond dimensions.

And me? How do i relate to you both? You belong to us, Ana says and laughs again, shes beautiful. Who who who .. am i.. i manage to calm my emotions and mind, don’t dare to feel that that. Yes, you are Vega, Ana tells me and Alcyone smiles, hey there, i’m back.

And i died, Vega died, i felt Her dying, me dying i guess. Thats why this Vega war haunts me lol. I died there, i loved her, i died there, again and again, this endless circle of dying, living, and living is dying and dying is living and and why has there be so much pain and so much war and why are people not nice mom and why and why ….

… dont you shut up and stop your questions little girl, you are driving me crazy, she says… and i look at the ground, my shoes they shine, my black shiny shoes, i love them, they love me

Mmm, she still exists in our star charts, the info about her dead has yet to reach us.
Funny thing, i know 😉

Alcyone – Ana – Vega
what trinity wtf?
guess Ana is a star too
merging? Alcyone smiles the moment i feel it
lol, they are twin flames

Love ♥️


soul retrieval with Kat

♥  august 20 . 2018 : total time 1h45m  ♥

This was a session i had with Kat (Katherine Martin Youngren). She is a gifted and loving person and she is great in retrieving soul fragments and a perfect guide for exploring past lives  ♥️ I did leave some parts out, not much but things i gotta explore a bit more. The setting : i am at home on my bed in Europe, Kat is at her home in America. We talk through messenger.

First she clears me / my chakra’s. Nothing really disturbing with my chakra’s, im quite clean, i ask Kat bout my solar plexus, nah, nothing to worry about. But, she says: this morning when i woke i had an ache in my stomach, maybe already connecting to your energy.

Then she clears my house. She is happily surprised, my house welcomes her, is friendly to her! That’s so nice! She tells me till now she never experienced this, being welcomed by a house so friendly. I feel so much gratitude and joy when she tells me and i tell her bout my contact with house, the walls, the floor, atoms. Later this evening i thank house for being so nice to Kat. House smiles 🏡

Paris : the killing

We won’t go through the lives i already know but see where we go. I tell her bout the killing (of my twin), i think it was Paris late 18th century, here’s the link >>  and when i am done she asks if i know who was the woman i killed. No i don’t so we gonna find out. We ask spirit to show me, and this is weird, i get an image of his mother (my twin’s). Kat then asks me to explore a life with this woman we call for now his mother. So i ask spirit to show me.

Stabbed in the back : the dark room

I am inside and it’s very dark, Kat asks me if i can find the light switch, lol, i cant see a f*ck. I take a few careful steps with my hands outstretched till i feel a wall, it’s rocky like some kind of cave or cellar. Am i locked in here? i ask myself. Slowly my eyes adjust and about 10 feet in front of me there’s the outline of a door, at the other side of the door is light and it’s shining through.

Kat asks if i am alone in the room. Well, i can’t see or hear anyone so i guess I am. But nope, i feel a presence. Now fear hits and i am shaking. And i feel someone behind me and it freaks me out, it is danger. I sense a woman in black clothes, an older woman, smaller than me and she is very hurt and angry. I know what is going to happen and Kat feels it too, i hear her moaning, like me. And there it is, the knife in the back. Suddenly the woman takes two steps and stabs me in my lower back, a few times. There is so much hate and pain. I fade away and die here.

Why did she kill you, Kat asks. I am sobbing a bit and feel the impact of what we did, of what happened. I took something of this woman, a man, her husband. By now, i almost forgot that this woman is his mother, this is where we started lol. And i am sorry i took her husband.

Kat asks me if this life was before or after the Paris-life. Mmmm, i don’t get the answer at once, i go to the killer (me) in Paris and feel his inner life, was he aware? Yes, hidden deep inside there is an unconscious knowing of this life. Okay. So it was before the Paris-life. That makes sense, Kat says.

Ana : the sun 🌞

Okay, we explore another life with this woman and at this point i decide to call her Ana.
I am outside, it’s a bright, sunny day. Green meadows, blue sky, flowers. Where is Ana, Kat asks me. Lol, i feel she is up there. But what is up there? Now i get the picture of the Fool card of the Tarot with a bright sun in the right corner and the sun smiles at me. Nah nah, the sun? Ana? A spirit? I am puzzled. Weird stuff this retrieving pieces 🙂
Okay, so Ana is the sun or maybe a spirit, she was very friendly in this life. Was she a guide maybe, Kat asks. Yeah, definitely feels so. I know her very well and she knows me.

A war : the plane ✈️

Kat asks me to go to a life with Ana and X (my twin, well okay, my supposed twin).
I am sitting in a chair, with some helmet on my head, i am sitting alone on the most right chair of a row of several chairs. And there are more rows before me, ah, it is a plane! We are waiting for take off. Ana is in some sort of pantry, she is dressed in white, some nurse’s outfit it seems. X is in combat outfit, just like me, somewhere in the ship. (plane / ship?). What is our connection? Ana and X are just acquaintances, Ana and me are kinda friends, i tell her much bout me and i like her, X and me are good friends, we know each other a lifetime, boy next door, is what i get. Nothing romantic. In this life i died when an explosion destroyed our house. I died in an instant, i have no memory of the dying. It was some war and we were in duty, all 3 of us. We also lived next door i think. Me with Ana? X next door. I could see a part of a street with a few houses. Time is hard to tell. Early 20th century?

A girl and boy on the run : the tube 👫

A life with me and X. It is dark and i am kinda moving forward, I can’t see where i am, there is a faint green light in the distance. X is behind me and is also moving. Ah, we are in some kind of tube, we are able to stand in the tube so it is quite big. And we are walking in this long, long tube, towards the green light.

Why are we here? Are we escaping something? Sure feels that way. I try to hear noises to locate ourselves and maybe others. Ah, we have escaped! From that big, dark house that we don’t like. I am about 12-14 years old and X is bout 5-6 years old. I have initiated our escape and X relies on me, we have to get out of here. Those people are awful! We both are very well dressed, i wear some kind of cloak, brown with a darker thread in it and my brown, curly hair is tied in a pony tail. X wears a black suit with a white tie and a white shirt, so tres chique for the little boy. We come from this really wealthy family (as orphans or something …?) but they are all liars and bad people.

We are at the end of the tube and there is a policeman with this light, he looks nice. I look hopefully to this man and he smiles … and he takes us right back to the house. X and me are being taken apart (X in the basement?). And then i got these punches in my stomach! Again and again and again till i lose consciousness and eventually i die. There is a big, bright light when i die and i feel so happy, i know i will be okay now. X will be okay now, i feel this the moment i die, we will be taken care off. The man who killed me was some farmhand. A brutal, ignorant man who likes to punch 12 year olds to death. X died soon after me, he killed himself, he jumped into a well or something, out of something .. It seems England to me, very English. There were horses and carriages, maybe early 19th century?

The Fall : the pyramid 🚀

At this point Kat asks if it is okay if we look into a life she and i had together. I am already dizzy of all these lives and connections lol, yep sure. I am standing in the middle of a pyramid shaped building. And it is so hard to focus, i can hardly hear Kat talk. I shake and spin coz of the energies in this building … wow! They go through me like mmm like energy snakes. Hard to describe and the whole pyramid is filled with it! Completely filled with some kind of energy strings that move likes snakes.

The corners of this building are rounded, not sharp and the top of the pyramid is also rounded. It is more like the top of a rocket. Are there more people with you, Kat asks. Ah yes, right in front of me, standing in a corner is Kat, she is my friend. Now i am looking left, there is this young man in a grey, striped suit, dark hair and he smiles, he is perfectly dressed. On the right of me, also in a corner stands an angel, white and bright, smiling yes. We are all smiling now coz something big is going to happen, i am going to fall or jump. I now realize i’m standing in the middle on a square spot and that spot is going to open and i am going to fall! It is my time. We say goodbye and i go! But first i pay Alcyone a visit, can’t leave without saying goodbye to my old friend :-). Am i going to Lemuria? The first time Gaia? This must be a long long time ago … in the future.

The twin sisters : the pond 💧

Another life with Kat. I haven’t even asked spirit to show me .. and Kat is already moaning, she is in pain! And my body feels so weird! It feels like something wants to get out and Kat is kinda crying: are you pregnant with me? she asks me. I don’t know, i wanna get out of this body! I feel like my skin is getting teared off my body. What the hell is happening? Are we .. are we siamese twins? i ask Kat. Feels like we are very very close and we can’t separate.

Kat moans, feels a cut around her waist and a cut in her left arm. I can’t place it.

Who are we, what are we? We are two blond girls, bout 4 years of age, cute twin girls. We stand at the edge of a pond, there is green grass and flowers, and i feel me standing in the water now. Ouch! You punched me on my nose! i yell to Kat. Lol, that was a surprise, really didn’t see that coming, i can feel the punch on my nose as i sit here on my bed! And i push her, a push in her belly. And she stumbles and falls into the water and … here i feel we are drowning, green, blurry water. While this was happening i had a lot of throat clearing.. asking myself why… but yes, we were drowning.

(I think we were twins and it was very crowded in our mother’s belly and we wanted to get out. Another thing: did the mother get a cesarean section? Could explain the cut Kat felt).

A frustrated drunk : the saloon 

Kat asks if there is something i want to clear, the root of something. I mention addictions. Okay. Ask spirit to show you the root of addiction (what is the vow connected).

I am outside, its drizzling and its grey and dreary, a muddy soil. I have a bottle in my left hand and with my right hand i hold on to the wooden pillar of the porch, so i wont fall. I can hardly walk. I just left the bar, more like a saloon, all wooden and the ladies .. well you know 🙂 I bought them booze and they were nice to me. But they wont get me no i will never believe a woman again! they are all evil and all liars and i feel really drunk lol and i have to concentrate to talk with Kat, weird. I feel alone and rejected and they are all the same and i wont marry and i am my own boss! Okay, Kat and me are both a bit puzzled bout this life, it doesn’t really explain something about addictions. Maybe i find out later. 🤔

So far  😯

i fear the day

♥  august 10 . 2018  ♥

I am going to oil some wooden trays and i fetch the sunflower oil. And for a moment i am afraid the tray is going to tell me it wants chestnut oil 😯

Oh yes, and then another tray is yelling: “And i want olive oil!”

Lol, this didn’t happen, not today anyway … but i fear the day they are going to tell me what they want

Rhy : open

♥  august 8 . 2018  ♥

I’m a fool for that shake in your thighs
I’m a fool for that sound in your sighs
I’m a fool for your belly
I’m a fool for you love

I wanna make this play
Oh, I know your faded
Mm, but stay, don’t close your hands
I wanna make this play
Oh, I know your faded
Mm, but stay, don’t close your hands

Caught in this pool held in your eyes
Caught like a fool without a line
We’re in a natural spring
With this gentle sting between us

I wanna make this play
Oh, I know your faded
Mm, but stay, don’t close your hands
I wanna make this play
Oh, I know your faded
Mm, but stay, don’t close your hands

Ooh, stay open

a message from Bob

♥  august 7 . 2018  ♥

There is more about Robert Monroe on my site, not much yet, more to come. See tag below.

there is no beginning, there is no end, there is only change

there is no teacher, there is no student, there is only remembering

there is no good, there is no evil, there is only expression

there is no union, there is no sharing, there is only one

there is no joy, there is no sadness, there is only love

there is no greater, there is no lesser, there is only balance

there is no stasis, there is no entropy, there is only motion

there is no wakefulness, there is no sleep, there is only being

there is no limit, there is no chance, there is only a plan

from Robert A. Monroe : Ultimate journey

There are 3 books in this series.
Book 1 : Journeys out of the body
Book 2 : Far Journeys
Book 3 : Ultimate Journey

what do u need ?

♥  august 5 . 2018 : to feel  ♥

u r good enough
u r love & nothing else matters
u r perfect & divine & u

don’t need me
to tell u

who u r
what u feel
what u need

u don’t need me

for confirmation
for security
for love

but u might want me
to be ur equal

Yo 🔥

lose to find

♥  july 30 . 2018 : Thievery Corporation – Lose to find  ♥

what we lack within we seek without
where honesty lies honestly in the shadows of our doubts
uncertainty protected by our pride
fear that hides in the darkness of our mind

the things we have to lose to find
the things we have to lose to find
the things we have to lose

trust is a lot to save with nothing left to hide
what we can lack of keeps us stuck inside
the king’s ransom I’ve set aside
to find out what was real inside

the things we have to lose to find
the things we have to lose to find
the things we have to lose

i am

♥  july 14 . 2018 : i am  ♥

i quit waiting, can’t do it anymore
struggle with waiting for years now
i’m done with it
it only delays my own path
i have to focus on my own path

i am
evaluating & re-evaluating
defining & re-defining
creating & re-creating
i love me
i love you
i love

so, i am consolidating my energy
can’t afford now to spread it everywhere lol
i will set my boundaries, ah f*ck, i have none!
still, i have to define what is me, what is you, what is the collective

so i am withdrawing my energy
to feel what is me, what is you
your pain is my pain, your joy is my joy
my pain is your pain, my joy is your joy
yet, i am a human with strictly set boundaries
namaste, with love
Ans 🌹

selfie selfie selfie

crash & burn

♥  june 26 . 2018 : Angus & Julia Stone  ♥

Won’t you take me Be my love next door
When you run out I can bring some more
Won’t you throw down This heart of mine
And I’ll roll out My stretch of time
Oh my stretch of time

Billy opened Up a can of worms
So I lit up Smoke and let it burn
Will you come back If I turn and run?

Will you come find me If I crash and burn?
Will you come find me If I crash and burn?
Will you come find me If I crash and burn?

Look so pretty When you brush your hair
Won’t you be so Kind to take me there
Will you come back If I turn and run?

Will you come find me If I crash and burn?
Will you come find me If I crash and burn?
Will you come find me If I crash and burn?

Won’t you take me Be my love next door
When you run out I can bring some more
When you run out When you run out


♥  june . 2018 : i killed my beloved  ♥

Its dark, evening, night. I walk through the streets of Paris, downtown somewhere.
Narrow, moist streets, it rained earlier. Im in a sort of rush, im uneasy.
I hide in my black cape and black hat. Head between my shoulders. Rush to my favorite bar.

I am in an alley now, its all rotten, dirt, anger, danger, darkness, whores and scum.
My eyes are everywhere: left, right, left, right, left, right… and ahead.
Yes, there she is. That piece of betrayal, delusion, luring me into.. what?

She’s standing in a portal, in front of a house, a door.
People passing by, also in a rush, no one looks at any one! All scum with secrets!
Hiding in their capes and hats, so called gentlemen puh!

Yeah, that woman! That whore who thinks she is the world!
Standing there, so full of herself.
Im 2 steps away now, i grab my knife.
No one is watching! All busy with their own mischief.
I take 2 steps, into the portal, and stab her in her belly, one time.

No one reacts or notices it.
Anyway, its just a woman, some stupid whore.
I feel relieved, my rush is gone and i feel great!
I walk some streets till i reach my bar.

Yeah, theres my table, at the end of the bar.
And some mates, how nice!
I wanna drink beer now, i feel so good.
Coz im a man, and im in charge!

I sit at my table with some guys and i get drunk.
And im bragging about how i killed that whore.
Ain’t i great guys!

Well, they aren’t really friends i guess, coz they catch me.
And they get me to jail.
And they bring me to the guillotine.
And i feel the blade slicing my neck, but its not sharp enough.

My head is still attached to my body, with still a piece of flesh connected to the body.
Fuck, even this i screw up!
I slowly fade into red, then black, then nothing…..

After decapitation, i came in a black black world and i sank in redness.

am i channeling myself ?

♥  may 29 . 2018  ♥

“HS, who is giving me my information?”, i ask my higher self, while showering and feeling his presence.
HS smiles and i know, much comes from him, my male HS!
“But but lol, you stand here next to me, not above me, and we are one more and more.
So basically, i am channeling myself?”, i ask him. 🤔

We look at each other … and burst out in a laugh!
“Yes, basically”, he replies.
With compassion,
from the silly neighbor who bursts out in a laugh while showering alone. 😳


♥  may 28 . 2018 : Angus & Julia Stone – Acoustic – Backstage at Zénith, Paris  ♥

I don’t mind if you wanna go anywhere
I’ll take you there
We can go if you wanna go anywhere
I’ll take you there
We can go to the Chateau Marmont
And dance in the hotel room
We can run with the headlights on
Till we got nothing to lose
We have, lifting from the ground
We go, never coming down

I don’t mind if you wanna go anywhere
I’ll take you there
Every day the weekend, I’m tryna be your best friend
Trying just to figure it out
Go on and let your gun burst
Living on the outskirts
Trying just to figure it out
Talking like a deadbeat, I just wanted you to see
Everything that I could see
Walking in the night sky, I’m always on your side
You are really saving me

We can go to the Chateau Marmont
And dance in the hotel room
We can go to the Chateau Marmont
And dance, we got nothing to lose

I don’t mind if you wanna go anywhere
I’ll take you there
We can go if you wanna go anywhere
I’ll take you there
We had, lifting from the ground
We go, never coming down
I don’t mind if you wanna go anywhere
I’ll take you there
I’ll take you there
I’ll take you there

Throw me a bone
Don’t be scared of what you don’t already know
Throw me a bone
Don’t be scared of what you don’t already know
Throw me a bone
Don’t be scared of what you don’t already know
Throw me a bone
Don’t be scared of what you don’t already know
Don’t go wasting your time
(Don’t be scared of what you don’t already know)
Don’t go wasting your time
(Don’t be scared of what you don’t already know)
Don’t go wasting your time
(Don’t be scared of what you don’t already know)
Don’t go wasting your time
Don’t go wasting your time

Songwriters: Angus Stone / Julia Stone
Songteksten voor Chateau © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

some trapjaw age

♥  april 18 . 2018  ♥

het was licht
die nacht
de autolampen waren aan
zou op wacht gaan staan

het was donker
die dag
de maan was nogal nukkig
toen de oorlog kwam
was iedereen gelukkig

ging op pad
het geloof voorgoed verloren
toen de wereld was
kon zij niet meer bekoren

it was light
that night
headlights shining bright
would stand guard

it was dark
that day
the moon was rather stubborn
when the war came
everyone was happy

took a hike
losing faith forever
when the world became
she could no longer charm

wrote this decades ago for my youngest brother

Lindow man : 1

♥  april 2 . 2018 : the Lindow Man  ♥

When i was an art student, i was fascinated by the discovery and story of the Lindow Man. The preserved bog body of a man discovered in a peat bog at Lindow Moss. I collected newspaper items, pics, used it in my art, in collages and poems. Now he is back  🙂

more bout the Lindow Man
on Wikipedia
in the British museum


♥  march 27 . 2018 : translation  ♥
and gates and the fire tr
umpet and the dragon o
n the treasure with anot
her firetrumpet and will
the gate open the guard
s seem nice and friendly
but theres something si
nister                theres fire
an obscured path
theres ice and remorse
maybe some time

it is dark
the abyss lurks
it is scabies
morbidly observed

it feels terrene
the fissure beckons
i feel warmth
my body like

i don’t want your power

♥  maart 23 . 2018 : he says with a smile, take it back  ♥

In meditation, with His higher self on my left side, in his favorite outfit, as a Roman nobleman. Lol, yes we had a life there together but i can’t tell (yet) why He chooses this time frame. Nero, Agrippa, Agrippina?? Chaotic, lawless times.

“Some one has a message for you”, his HS tells me, “and he is here now”.

I feel a presence but can’t see it, it is obscured by darkness, in the corner of my room. Now light is starting to glow softly and i recognize this figure. Nah, nah, cant be .. nah

# i gotta tell first: this was bout 5 months ago when i still was doubting who my DM is, yeah i should know by now, still didn’t want to know and was confused #

But yes, here He is, confirmation after confirmation, this warrior now stepping into the light has a message for me.

“I don’t want your power,” he says, “take it back”. And he smiles and i melt and he leaves.

This power issue is keeping me busy for months! Getting me to review all of my earlier committed relations, my codependencies, my attachments. And yes, giving my power away again and again and again and again.

No more! I decided yesterday.  😇

i am me
i am free

to hell and back

♥  march 22 . 2018  ♥

i feel something big is coming
i know why i refuse to meditate

this is a crucial stage of my healing proces, the deeper, the darker i guess
love it, come and fight me!! i am a warrior 😳

* I love you to hell and back, we said while we had to let go of each others hands, I was you and you were me, male/female, does it really matter anyway? entangled past lives, can’t tell yet which is which … we loved, we murdered, we grieved, we hated, we died .. we were passionate * 😩

yes, something big is coming and I was scared, now I am curieus, I refuse to meditate but I am closer to spirit, source, HS, his HS, angels than ever before, and it freaks me out sometimes

* nono, they tell me, it is not us, not us not us, not him not him him him it is you is you you : my date 2018032219:04 : your spirit, our flashing fiery fast spirit, the spirit they judged as childish, naive, not responsible, not wanting to see the truth …

it killed you killed your spirit
guess what? we are back!

i am me
i am free


a visitor

♥  march 16 . 2018  ♥ 

in my kitchen . crying . despair . loss . pain
there is a presence . nah not Bert
i cry and i am so tired . someone is here ?
i wanna ask who is here now
but i am too afraid to ask

i just cry . looking at my Higher Self for support
without words i ask HS : who’s here ?
you find out . he replies
i am so scared . trying to speak and ask
who are you ? but i can’t

who … who … w … w …
im just too scared . this new presence
too much for me to cope with

finally . after minutes . i manage to ask
who are you ?
lol . it just disappeared !
i was too late 🙁

ok . i know why i was so afraid
i know who it was

the only one

♥  march 3 . 2018 : Angus & Julia Stone – Draw your swords  ♥

See her come down through the clouds
I feel like a fool
I ain’t got nothing left to give
Not a cent to lose

So come on Love draw your swords
Shoot me to the ground
You are mine I am yours
Lets not fuck around
Cause you are, the only one
Cause you are, the only one

I see them snakes come through the ground
They choke me to the bone
They tie me to their wooden chair
Here are all my songs

So come on Love draw your swords
Shoot me to the ground
You are mine I am yours
Lets not fuck around
Cause you are, the only one
Cause you are, the only one

Songwriters: Angus Stone / Julia Stone

wow i leveled !

♥  february 28 . 2018  : and a door opened  ♥

In bed, shaking, the energies rush up through my legs, they come from Izta : my grounding force, Gaia’s daughter, i love her, she is my sista ♥️ The energies rush up my spine, get stuck halfway my belly and my heart and i shake and shake. Open your crown, consciously, i sense. Of course i obey lol, resistance is futile you know.

I imagine my crown opening gently with white flower petals. The energies rush up, they feed my wings, my little pink glowing wings, from when i was a child, now growing big and white, still vulnerable.

“Hi HS,” i greet my Higher Self who is showing up now, “Uhhh why are you male?”, i ask Him. “Coz you are female”, he replies and smiles. Ah it is all about balance now, i get it. Going into this Temperance year. Maybe weird but i am really looking forward to it. 🌀

* A room, square, only a door and HS in a tuxedo and white tie lol! What, wait, i am in a ballroom gown and HS is standing behind me. We are facing a closed door. HS puts his hands on my back and gently guides me to this door. “You are a gentleman too”, i tell HS while turning my head and giving him a smile. “Of course i am”, he replies and directs me to the door.

I turn my face to the door and .. f*ck! I face the open door, it is a black hole, it is all black, it is the universe, lol, i don’t know WHAT it is and HS gives me a gentle push, and i stumble across the threshold. 😯

And while i fall and fall and fall, i hear HS shouting: “It’s a test!” *

Wtf! Are you ready ⁉️

living temperancely

♥  february 24 . 2018  ♥

“My year of living temperancely”, i say to Raphael, giving Him a smile. 🙃
March 27th is my birthday, going from a Death year into the Temperance year.
Poeh, can I have some rest please, Raphael?

Raphael pours his cups once again, and again … and again …
“You know kiddo, we were friends ever since, well ‘there’, you forgot but I know I kept your wings for you till you were ready to fly again. I strengthened your heart when you thought it would break. I ignited your flame when you thought there was not a single spark left.

Slowly you are remembering our bond, our vow. Yes, a vow There, see, the tears, you are crying now. Tears of gratitude I sense. Go now, it is time, little one.”
Temperance is dedicated to Raphael, the protector of my heart.

Yo, I am  ♥️

feel like falling down ?

♥  february 21 . 2018 : all about perception  ♥

This journey has thrown me of my feet, once again. “Revelations will come, divine timing you know”, they say and they smile 😎 they know how impatient i can be.

The Tower came crashing in, i am sick at home, flu. Guess i was waiting and waiting, and nothing happened, and i pushed and pushed, pushed myself.

Now i am slowly realizing what state i am in: “Yes, you felt like nothing happened, you were at a standstill 🙄 and I told you before, you are pushing yourself too hard”. No use arguing with Higher Self so i keep my mouth lol.

I rebelled against meditation (haven’t meditated for 2 weeks i guess): “If you ‘guys’ don’t tell me what’s going on, then .. then …. i stop meditating!” Something like that lol. And that’s stupid cause in meditation i get messages 🤔

* and i fell and fell . down the spiral of life . my life . all my lives . well . some of my lives 🔓 some clarity . the whole story . can’t see the whole picture . sense it . all around us . in ZP *

And they show me, all the time i thought i was struggling to get up the spiral and i thought i kept falling, the spiral itself was spiraling up, and yes i wasn’t able to keep up with the energy, so i thought i was falling. Lol, confusing concept! ☯️

But i get it! LET GO AND LET GOD (aka they) ♥️